How To Attract The Right Teachers – Doula Series Ep. 3

By: Care Messer Birth Doula, Doulas, Education January 17, 2019


One of the reasons we come to birth work is for personal growth whether we are aware of it or not. I have also found that we come into birth work with preconceived notions about working with women. These stories or beliefs about women may be lived experiences from our lives or just things that we have heard. Working together with a common goal within community is possible. Looking for women(teachers) who can model this is pure gold!

Love needs to fuel our businesses so we can hold the right kind of space for our families. Holding love in our work does NOT mean we work for free, ONLY volunteer our services as a doula, OR give discounted rates all the time. NO. It means that we replace the fear of not being good enough, smart enough or experienced enough” with – “I am exactly what they need, in this moment and I am enough.” Working on ourselves before we go into business, will help us hold better boundaries, remember our “why” for going into birth work and keep the joy when challenges come. Humility in asking for what you need, will allow the teachers and mentors to show up! Just ask and take action in that direction to prepare you for when they arrive.

It never ceases to amaze me how a desire for help can turn up someone who is ready to meet that need for you! When you look at your life and your new business, what are things you feel you need more support in? This can be personal like – “I feel jealous when other women around me are getting so many births and I’m not even getting an interview.” It can be, “I’m shy and I don’t know how to talk to people about what I am doing now.” It can be business related like, “I have no idea how to build a website or even where to start with social media.” Make a list of what is happening for you that you want change in. THEN make a list of what you desire, or where you want to get with those items. Be very specific and watch things start to appear.
One of the things to be hyper aware of is that change is uncomfortable and resetting old beliefs and patterns takes practice. Those old beliefs have kept you safe and helped you manage your world. Even though you want change, your subconscious mind needs more proof that this new direction is going to be a safe place for you to be.

It is possible to thrive in a supportive community of women. It is possible to create a supportive community if you are finding that there doesn’t seem to be one. Like-minded people gravitate towards each other. You can ask for more women like you – almost like putting out a bat signal to the Universe! Then keep working on yourself so that your vibration is getting higher to meet women and teachers who are doing the same thing. If the circle of women around you are negative and seem to stay in the same place, it is ok to move on. Create what you want and watch yourself bloom!

Video Transcript:

– Take some time right now to reevaluate or even evaluate if you’ve never done that, why you came to birth work because when we come to birth work it’s usually to work out stuff with women. [Upbeat Music] Trust issues with our mom, trust issues with our sister, bullying, mean girl stuff, what is it that we need to work out? And not only what we need to work out, but what kind of skills do we need as a woman to change in our lives? [Upbeat Music] Sometimes we have an abundance of things, I fill the room with words, I talk so much, I can’t ever let anything be quiet. That was me, I didn’t know how to hold space well because I lived in a, I grew up in a space of chaos and so I talked all the time and I made sure everything was, because if I stopped and I took a breath I would be stuck with me and I wasn’t happy with me yet. So that’s one of the things that I’ve learned in birth work. So what are the things that you need to bring into your life? Maybe you need more empathy, maybe you need more kindness, maybe you need more compassion, maybe you need more boundaries because you let people use you a lot, maybe you need to know your value and your worth so that you’re able to charge what you are worth. What do you need consistent in your life? These are the things I need you to write down. So once you write those down, start asking for what you need. “I need somebody to teach me empathy.” That can be from a book. You can start reading Brene Brown all the time. You’re gonna get a lot of that. You can watch YouTube videos. You can see what will show up in your feed, they will answer a question that you asked the day before. That’s called synchronicity. There is a greater power bigger than us that will wind thing up for you because it wants you to succeed and as soon as you believe in that and trust in that and stop saying, “My life is crap, nothing ever works out for me, why this, why that?” And you have that kind of attitude, you’re gonna get more of that but if you start to shift to trust instead of holding onto the fear and the bad luck, things are going to start shifting for you. [Upbeat Music] What kind of teachers do you want in your life? So one of the things that your going to find pretty quickly, is that change might be really uncomfortable for you. I personally thrive in change now but I used to resist it and hate it. Sometimes that change is a mirror reflection of what you need to change about yourself and that makes you feel really squeamish. In other times, when you weren’t in doula work you might’ve walked away from that and said, “Nope, too hard, I’m not dealing with that it’s gotta be somebody else.” But if you stop pointing the finger at who else it is and start looking inside you, you can start to change it. It is a recognizable thing you need to do. It’s gonna feel uncomfortable, all change does but push through it, just like we teach in birth, you have to go through that last burning bit to get to the reward and if you look at everything that makes you feel unconformable you’re gonna be able to get through that. So feel the burn and walk through it. It’s way better than exercise. The one thing I really want you to take out of this video is sometimes bringing in those teachers that you’re so excited about, will not only teach you what you need to know but they’re also gonna make you feel really uncomfortable because they’re gonna expose that vulnerable side of you that nobody likes but that’s the beauty of bringing in the right teacher. A teacher can be somebody that you actually have animosity with. Why do you have animosity with them? Usually it’s because they’re reflecting something about you that you don’t like. So if you’re jealous of somebody, why are you jealous of them? It’s reflecting back that you are a jealous person which we all have those tendencies. I still even, It comes up with me all the time but checking it, recognizing it, helps us shift away from it. So be okay with feeling uncomfortable. Walk through it and then get support around it, will help you with that. [Upbeat Music] So what do you want to learn this year? What do you wanna bring in? What do you want to hone as a skill? What do you want to grow into as an woman? The one thing that keeps birth very sexy for me and very alive and very delicious is that there’s always something to learn. There’s always someone to learn it from, every single baby that walks through your door is your biggest teacher, every parent, every set of circumstances, you will be awed at what you learn. There are so many things that you can learn from, different aspects of the community, different people that you come in contact with and they don’t actually have to be in your home city. When I was first starting out, I really wanted to figure out who could teach me birth in a way that I could teach it the right way. I’d grown up teaching in church, I knew how to teach from the bible, I knew how to teach lessons on morality and all that kinda stuff and I was pretty good at teaching but I didn’t know how to teach birth in a way that it would be exciting because it’s so boring sometimes, if you’re just holding a pelvis and saying “this is what happens” they can fricking learn that on YouTube. Why are we teaching that in classes? It needed to be connected, sexy, bonding and have all the warm feelings of bringing a humanbeing into the world and I asked for it. I need you to bring me teachers that teach me how to do this. I need somebody that inspires me and I got the jackpot because I asked for it. Shout out to Vivian and Laurie who taught me my training in hypnobirthing and blew my mind. I took what they taught me, which were the skills of excitement and putting your passion into what you’re teaching and then I started from that base, instead of “I’m scared, I’m nervous, how do I do this?” Because every class changes according to whose in the doors and what they need from you and your intuition will start to guide that once you have confidence in your teaching skills. I learned so much from them in that four, five days and then I learned from them again on a cruise a year later at a hypnobirthing conclave and then I learned from everybody there too. I’ve considered myself very fortunate to have learned from those women and figured out what works for me and the center. [Upbeat Music] The next bit is I was concerned about mean girls. When women get together, traditionally, there are bullies and there are people that are competitive and people that don’t want you to succeed and that’s how I grew up in high school and junior high and women groups intimidate a lot of women. I didn’t know where to go with that. So, that’s where Gerri Ryan came in. Gerri Ryan was my doula trainer, she trains for DONA, she’s also a home-birth midwife. she’s amazing and what I learned in her training was we can work as a sisterhood and in her training is where the first thought for the Birth Education Center came from. She also trains with Lisa Simpkins who is a IBCLC and also works in the education department at a local hospital here. What I learned from them was there is a comradery that can be had with sisters and that if we are working together for the good of everybody, there are enough babies to go around and here in San Diego, we have like 55,000 babies born a year. If all of us were at max capacity two or three a month, we would be at like three percent of the babies. There are plenty of babies wherever you are, everyone’s always having sex, I encourage sex. The more sex that people have the more babies show up. The more blackouts we have the more war time we have, the more deployments we have, the more babies we have. So there’s never a lack for that. There is no reason for competition, I kept thinking why don’t we have a place where everyone can come together, share ideas, network and have every kind of birth education. Hypnobirthing, hypno-babies, birthing from within, lamaze, everything. Why can’t we have that? And that’s where the whole dream kind of started with the Birth Education Center and two years later I opened it but I also learned that if we work together, we all succeed and when one of our sisters is doing awesome, we praise her and we say good job and how can I help you with that? Because that’s the kinda karma and the circle of life and the good stuff that’s gonna come back around to boost us up. If we’re in competitiveness and we’re angry and we’re jealous and we have that kind of stuff, we’re not humble, we’re not gonna learn and we’re not gonna be able to go forward. And the next kind of teaching that I needed to learn was I wanted to find out more about the spiritual side of birth. Obviously there’s a spiritual side of it and if you don’t believe that and if you’re atheist or whatever, there’s a spiritual side of birth and it will teach you so many lessons about who you are and keep you so humble because you hold better space when you know that and that teacher that came in was Anna Verwaal and I’m gonna link her Ted Talk in the profile down below so that you can watch that. In a workshop that I couldn’t afford which I was asked to come to I learned that my birth effected the patterns in my life, the way I handle things and the way I hold space in a birth room. I knew a lot about my own birth but I didn’t realize that it translated into everything I was walking through the doors with with these new babies and once I figured that out, saw it and then healed from it I held much better space. I also became a teacher for for these mothers to see what they were bringing into their own births because at the end of the day this is not their birth. Moms, it’s their labor, it’s their babies birth and it happens one time and if they can make that shift in education and also with a doula and also with themselves as a mother and a parent everything shifts, they make different decisions for their babies, they make different decisions as a mom for a parent. It’s easier for them to understand that this is not happening to them but that they’re owning the feelings of their labor and letting the baby guide their own birth, it is so much easier for a mom to separate so that she doesn’t feel like she failed in birth. You don’t fail in birth, if it’s a belly birth you didn’t fail, right? And if you have the right education so you made the good decisions all along the way and you felt in control of that, it’s a totally different kind of birth and it’s not traumatic. That’s what we can hold space for if we have done our own work so then we can teach these moms to do their work before these babies come. It’s crucial to a sexy, beautiful connected birth. So what kinda teachers do you wanna bring in? Right down your list of what skills you need and then ask for them to show up, you will be flabbergasted when they show up, you’ll be ready for it and that’s you’re doing is looking for those opportunities to show up this year.

About the author:
Care is the founder of the Birth Education Center, San Diego HypnoBirthing and Cuddle Sanctuary San Diego. She is a Birth Educator, Hypnotherapist, Birth and Postpartum Doula, INNATE Care Provider, Erotic Blueprint Coach and also professional Cuddler. She specializes in connection work between people and increasing self boundaries for a more balanced life together.