What Partners Need to Know About Birth

By: Care Messer Hypnobirthing December 19, 2019


For this couple – kids were never part of their life plan. But the decision to have a baby brought this dad the “greatest experience of his life.” After the birth, he sat down to take in the whole labor and birth and came up with four pillars of the birth experience that have now become the foundation for raising his daughter. Trust, presence, unity and love were the ideas that showed him how this beautiful birth came together. With a great doula, doctor and education, his little girl came into a room full of love and he can’t wait to show her someday on video.

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Video Transcript:
– These four pillars, these four concepts is what’s really made me look at the whole notion of delivering a child and birth completely differently. So, our journey started almost 10 years ago where I met my wife, and one of the main reasons, one of the kind of the essence of our attraction was the fact that neither of us wanted to have children, we wanted to be in love, grow old and live a happily life. And after eight years of marriage, we kind of start talking about, and we opened up to the idea of having children, and we kind of, instead of asking why have children, we said why not?

So, we were back and forth for many months, we talked about it, and every time we’re around children and we realize how much joy and positivity they brought to our lives. And then we would come back to our day to day life, where I live in a high tech world and I kind of consume myself with work and so does she. We were back and forth, we couldn’t decide if you wanna have children or not. So, my wife finally said, you know, “Let’s just give it up to the universe, “let’s try and see what happens.” So, a beautiful intimate evening in Colombia. Wow we found out that we have a child and our lives change. Three or four months into her pregnancy, one of our friends mentioned a training course they’re taking, and talked about, introduce us to the notion of Hypnobirthing. So, my wife researched it and asked me to tag along and be a part of that journey with her to go see the classes. Again, I didn’t have a particular preference, I just kind of as a supporting role, I went there to support her, and it was eyeopening, it certainly, from the first moment when we did the visualization exercise in the class, and talked about the basis of the training. It had my attention, I was in it.

Long story short, what I wanted to share with fellow fathers and partners is what I went through and what I learned through this amazing journey, hoping that we can use some of that information and make this experience whatever you want it to be. So my wife started laboring at home and after a few hours we kind of went to the hospital and we had arrangements and she delivered our baby. And after all this stuff was completed, it was done, I kind of had to regroup and kind of get my mind back together. And really what I came up with was this four pillars to the most amazing journey of my life.

These four pillars, these four concepts is what’s really made me look at the whole notion of delivering a child and birth completely differently. First and foremost was trust. Trust, presence, unity and love. We have to, I had to establish a trust relationship with this notion of delivering a child into this world, and this trust, it was very apparent. I looked at how from the moment of inception, universe stages and trains and sets up mother to be successful, and there’s no way that it will let you fail. Look at thousands of thousands of years in history, and mothers are designed to nurture and deliver a child to this world.

So, and if you look at it, in the nine months, we didn’t have anything to do with this. This embryo turns into this being, and so I trusted, I had to trust the universe, the universal love, that it will set up my wife to be successful. It will set up our child to be successful. Then the notion of presence is the point that, you find yourself falling out, you’re gonna have doubts as a man, as a provider, as a protector, you’re gonna look at things and you wanna constantly change it, you wanna do your best to provide for your family. But again, you have to trust the universe, you have to go believe in that mothers, your partner is able to do this and is able to do it very well.

There were moments where I would have doubts, I didn’t want to see my wife in pain, I was associating delivery of a child with excruciating pain. And you have to be in the moment, you have to present and deal with what’s on a table. And what’s on the table is the fact that she has chosen to go this route, this is her path, and I’m there to support her. So, this notion of presence comes handy and you have to always focus on the moment in that moment, which is, it’s all about the mother and the child. Third pillar was the notion of unity, and what I talk about this, this kind of remind of the movie Avatar where the whole tribe gets together and hold hand, and then once they established this big circle, they plug into mother earth and then they start meditating and they connect into the entire universe as one, and that’s a part that I learned to do.

And again, going back to the notion of delivery, to me it was an absolutely crazy idea to sit there and watch my wife in pain, but she was wired differently. She’s looking, she’s welcoming every surge as an opportunity, as a step closer to delivering a child into her arm and then into this world. And if I was to be disconnected from that, then it defeats the purpose, I wouldn’t have no purpose in the room. So, what I focused on, being one with my wife, being, believe in the fact that this is what she wants, this is, universe is lined up for us, and I have to plug into it, I had to become one.

So you put all the doubts aside, kind of going back, and put all the doubts aside, you live in a moment, you’re in that, you’re right there with her, and you go through this journey with her. So, you’re no longer, if I was sitting back in the room and watch this thing, I’m an outsider and I broke them to chain, I’m not no longer within one unit. And the last but not least, this notion of compassion and love, the strongest bond of all. And from the moment we walk into the delivery room, that could be your house, that could be the backseat of your car, that could be a birth center, whatever the case may be. Compassion and love is what sets up the stage for this child to come into this world and see it in her own eyes and experience it.

So, from the moment we walked into our doula came, we started with hugs and kisses. We hugged each other, we held hands. And as we drove to the hospital, the moment we walked into the hospital, every staff got a hug and a kiss from us. And we set this stage, and the moment the child came, I hope that I can show her someday that she came to a room full love, and it was amazing journey for all of us. You can’t do this type of thing just because, I think the training, you have to, you have to start, you have to have some guidance, you have to have the tools. Now, whatever that case may be. For me, it was the training I got through BEC. But again, I’m not publicizing, I’m not telling you what to do, but I think you have to have understanding, you have to really know what you’re getting yourself into, and you have the right tools to execute.

It’s very important to have not only the tools but the guidance, because as you go through this, it’s a long, it’s extended period of time, it’s a good stretch of work. And really without having a doula or somebody who’s guiding you through this, who’s experienced, the things may look different. And again, it’s all about perception. Things may look worse than they are, they may look easier than we think they are. I think without our partner, without our team, which was our doula, our BEC trainer, I think it’s not doable, it’s very difficult. And definitely our doctor, everyone was in sync When we’re going through our classes, our training, we talked about building a team, building a successful team, and setting up the team to succeed. And it’s really important, she will thrive on, she’ll have the help that she gets from everybody.

About the author:
Care is the founder of the Birth Education Center, San Diego HypnoBirthing and Cuddle Sanctuary San Diego. She is a Birth Educator, Hypnotherapist, Birth and Postpartum Doula, INNATE Care Provider, Erotic Blueprint Coach and also professional Cuddler. She specializes in connection work between people and increasing self boundaries for a more balanced life together.